


When Christmas helps fixing relationships

by Cozaure



Category: Supernatural
Genre: All I want for Christmas is you, Angst with a Happy Ending, But no real spoilers, Canon Compliant, Castiel Learns to be Human (Supernatural), Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Christmas, Christmas Cookies, Christmas Fluff, Christmas fic, Christmas in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Cooking, Dean Winchester Being an Idiot, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Happy Ending, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Minor Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Season/Series 15, Supernatural Season 15, Supportive Sam Winchester, dean winchester stopping being an idiot, implied sam winchester/eileen leahy - Freeform, reference to we are real, references to season 15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 09:27:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21967147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cozaure/pseuds/Cozaure
Summary: Sam and Eileen are visiting Eileen's family in Detroit, leaving season 15 Dean and Cas alone in the bunker for Christmas... Sam is hoping that the time of the year will help to make things better, but Cas and Dean's relationship is seriously damaged... Luckily, even far away, Sam will help Dean to make things better with Cas!
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	When Christmas helps fixing relationships

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you'll like this story! I wrote it in five hours in the middle in the night, and English is not my native language, but I really enjoyed writing it! I love Christmas, I love Destiel, and I love season 15, so I combined these three components, and here is this fic!  
> Happy holidays everybody!

Sam and Eileen had left the bunker for a week. Eileen’s parents were dead, but she still had an aunt and some cousins in Detroit, who invited her for Christmas. A little bit anxious at the idea of seeing them again on her own after her “death”, she asked Sam if he wanted to come with her. The hunter hesitated a little: he wanted to go with Eileen, but at the same time, he didn’t want to let his brother alone for Christmas. But Cas was with him in the bunker, and even though Dean and him had some arguments lately, they seemed to be better these days. At least, they were talking to each other. Plus, maybe, it would be the occasion for the two of them to finally have a good talk, to finally say all the things they needed to, but never said before. Actually, maybe leaving them alone for a week at Christmas wouldn’t be a bad idea. Moreover, Dean never celebrated Christmas a lot, it wasn’t as if they had big family traditions for the holidays… Therefore, he told Eileen he would come with her, and they left the bunker on the 23rd of December, planning to stop for the night on their way.

  
Dean was happy for Sam. Really, he was. Eileen was a hunter, like them. She could understand Sam, and his life. It was the best opportunity for Sam to have a family while keeping saving the world. Plus… If – or when – Dean finally has to die for good, then… Then Sam wouldn’t be alone. Definitely, Dean was happy about his little brother’s new relationship. But, still… Sam was everything he had, and seeing him leaving him for Christmas, a family holiday, made him kind of sad and bitter, even though he encouraged him to go with Eileen. It meant that Sam didn’t need him anymore. Dean knew he should be happy, and moreover, they never really celebrated Christmas with specific traditions the years before… But still, at least they were together, and it was good enough for him. This year… it was different, they were separated, and he would be alone. Well… not exactly alone. Sam insisted on the fact that Cas was still in the bunker, and that Dean and he could celebrate the holiday together. But Cas and he weren’t exactly on good terms lately, mainly because of Dean. They were talking to each other when they had to, especially in front of Sam and Eileen, but the situation was still very tensed between them. Dean still didn’t apologize, even though he knew he had to. So, spending the joyful and light-hearted Christmas day with Cas wasn’t exactly the plan he had in mind! Maybe he could just go to a bar on Christmas Eve. Drinking a few glasses to forget how lonely he was, and to escape the sad reality. Yes, it sounded like a good plan.  
The day Sam left, Dean didn’t even see Cas. He stayed in his room, only getting out twice to grab something to it back in his room. He even wondered if that was how the full week was going to go. However, on the second day, Cas knocked at his door in the morning. Dean sighed.

  
“Yes Cas, come in!” he finally said.

  
Cas opened the door, but stayed in the corridor, looking ill-at-ease and uncertain.

  
“Hum… Dean…”

  
The hunter didn’t even bother to look at him.

  
“Yeah?”

  
“I was… I was wondering… Today’s Christmas Eve, and I was wondering if you were going to do anything special for the holiday?”.

  
“Well… Celebrating God’s son birth isn’t exactly what I want to do this year. Combining anything God-related to joy and celebration isn’t actually what I plan to do in the next weeks. Except celebrating his death, of course”.

  
Cas looked a little bit defeated.

  
“Yes. Of… Of course. It was… a stupid question to ask, I’m sorry”.

  
Cas waited a few seconds for Dean to say anything, then grabbed the door to close it, realizing that the hunter wasn’t going to talk.

  
“I guess I’ll let you alone for the rest of the week, then… If you need me, I’ll be in my room. I… Have a nice day, Dean.”

  
Cas sounded and looked really sad. Dean wanted to do something, to say something, but he couldn’t and just sighed when he heard the door closing. He just screwed things up, one more time.

  
By the end of the day, hungry, he decided to go cook something in the kitchen. The room was a complete mess; there was flour everywhere, a smell of burning, eggs shells on the counter, and, in the middle of everything, Castiel, only wearing his shirt, his trench coat – covered with flour – on a chair, with his suit jacket. He was standing with his back to Dean, and seemed deeply focused on a book on the table in front of him, a whisk in his right hand.

  
“What… What the hell are you doing, Cas?”

  
The angel jumped, surprised, spilling a bowl full of dough in the process. Crossing Dean's gaze and lowering his eyes immediately, he even looked a little scared, as if he has been caught doing something wrong.

  
“I’m… I’m sorry Dean, I’ll clean everything, I…”

  
Dean made three steps in his direction, looking at the cooking book Cas was reading, now half covered in dough.

  
“Christmas cookie? Seriously?”.

  
Cas looked ashamed.

  
“I’m sorry, Dean. I know you don’t want to celebrate Christmas, but… I thought that you’d stay in your room and that you wouldn’t see me…”.

  
“Come on, Cas, I don’t forbid you to bake ! I’m just … surprised that you wanna do something Christmas related. You know, after Chuck’s big reveal, and everything…”

  
“I know but… It’s just that I never celebrated Christmas, and, behind all the God’s symbol, it just seems to be a universal human holiday and tradition, and, as I’m losing my powers, I wanted to do something to be closer to humans, I guess…. But anyway, it doesn’t matter, I didn’t succeed. My first try of cookie burned, and I just spilled the second, and now I don’t have enough ingredients, and I guess it means I’ll just never be enough human… I’m sorry you saw something Christmas related, I’ll just let you cook and then I’ll clean the kitchen and stay in my room. It was a stupid idea, and…”.

  
“Okay, Cas, stop, please, stop talking!”.

  
Cas immediately stopped and carefully looked at Dean. He didn’t seem angry. Dean smiled a little, seeing how Cas’s face was covered in dough.

  
“Just go take a shower, change your clothes, and meet him outside in thirty minutes. It’s okay, Cas”.

  
“What? But what are we…?”

  
“Just hurry up, Cas. I’ll clean the kitchen”

  
“You’re not mad at me?”

  
Dean shook his head negatively.

  
“No Cas. I can’t blame you for… Just go prepare yourself, please. We’ll fix this”.

  
He didn’t know what he meant what “we’ll fix this”. Was he only talking about the cookie? Fortunately, Cas let it go, and started to leave, taking his coat and his jacket.

  
“Leave your coat here, I’ll take care of it”.

  
Dean quickly noted down the ingredients he needed to do the cooking, cleaned the kitchen and shook Cas’s coat to remove the flour that was on it. Thirty minutes later, he met Cas, who was only wearing a black tee-shirt.

  
“My shirt and my jacket were dirty”, explained the angel.

  
Dean gave him the coat.

  
“It’s okay, I’ll do some laundry tonight”.

  
They drove in silence, Cas not daring asking Dean where they were going. The hunter finally parked at a Walmart.

  
“I didn’t know you wanted to celebrate Christmas, Cas. But you were right, Christmas is not only celebrating Jesus’s birth. We don’t have to make it about God. We can just do something nice on our own. Now, I’m not the best Christmas traditions teacher… But let’s buy some stuffs to cook some cookies, eggnog and pie.”

  
Cas smiled, and Dean took it as a reward. In the beginning, he didn’t know whether it was a good idea. But seeing Cas smiling and looking everywhere in the store strangely made him happy. He could see that Cas was holding back from asking too many questions. Usually, he would have told him to just ask them, but this day it just seemed “too much”. Their relationship was still damaged. It wasn’t the same as before, even though it was sometimes hard to remember it. Two years ago, he would just have answered every question Cas had, telling him stories and Christmas jokes. He would have organized a full cliché Christmas, with gifts and decorations, and food, and Christmas carols. But something was broken between them, and as much as he would have loved to just share what he knew about Christmas with Cas, it was just not possible. Something was holding him back, and it seems that the same thing was holding Cas back too.

  
Still, buying some Christmas supplies with Cas and baking some cookies with him, without going “full Christmas”, was already a small step. Maybe next Christmas, the situation would be fixed.

  
Dean suddenly realized that Cas wasn’t following him. Looking back, he noticed that the angel was looking, amazed, at some Christmas sweaters. He quickly imagined Cas wearing one of them, smiling under a Christmas tree, opening some gifts, just as if it was a normal Christmas morning. The picture he had in mind was perfect. He even imagined himself, wearing an ugly sweater as well, drinking eggnog while watching Cas opening the presents. It was even better. But it wasn’t the reality. It wasn’t possible. In real life, Cas was wearing his dirty trench coat. In real life, they didn’t have any Christmas tree. In real life, he didn’t have a gift for Cas. In real life, he wasn’t that close to Cas anymore. In real life, Cas wasn’t looking at him with such joy and love. In real life, Cas was just broken, even afraid of Dean, not daring to ask him questions. And it was because of him. He was the one who broke Cas. He didn’t deserve to spend a joyful Christmas with the angel. Suddenly, the sight of Castiel smiling amongst the Christmas supplies was too much. He needed to get out. He quickly joined Cas and gave him the shopping list.

  
“Everything you need is written there. I’ll meet you at the car in one hour.”

  
“Wait, where are you going, Dean?”

  
“I need fresh air. It’s too busy here. I’ll see you outside in one hour”

  
And he just left the confused angel in the middle of the Christmas sweaters, trying to escape the strange atmosphere as soon as he could.  
The cold of the outside stroke him. But it was actually feeling kind of good. He breathed, feeling miserable. And he perfectly knew he was the only one responsible for that. He finally walked to Baby, put some music on and closed his eyes. He didn’t even notice he was silently crying.

  
Before he could realize it, the passenger’s door opened and Cas got in the car.

  
“Are you feeling better, Dean?” he asked, concerned. “Maybe I can try to use some grace on you?”.

  
“I’m afraid your grace won’t help me, this time, Cas. Don’t waste it on me”.

  
“Dean? What is going on?”

  
The hunter didn’t answer and just started the car. The drive back home was completely silent, Cas taking a few looks at Dean, trying to figure out what he’d done wrong.

  
“Dean? Will you cook with me this time?” Cas asked, hopefully, when they arrived at the bunker.

  
It was what they had planned, after all. But Dean was feeling too guilty for it. He didn’t have the courage and the energy to stay with the angel. He didn’t deserve to spend time with him.

  
“No, I’m sure you’ll do good without me. I’m going for a drive, anyway.”

  
“Are you sure you’re okay?”

  
Cas sounded so concerned, and Dean couldn’t bear it, because he knew he didn’t deserve it.

  
“Yeah, I just need to clear my mind. Don’t wait for me, okay?”.

  
And he just left, again. Running away from his feeling of guilt.

  
He arrived at some random bar. The place didn’t matter, as long as they had alcohol.

  
He eventually received a call from Sam.

  
“Yeah? Sammy? Everything’s alright?”

  
“Yes Dean I just wanted to let you know that we arrived. But where are you? What it is this noise?”

  
“What noise?”

  
“The music? The people talking? Are you at a bar? Dean, what are you doing? Where is Cas??”

  
“He’s… He’s ba-baking Christmas… Christmas cookies”, laughed Dean.

  
“Wait, are you drunk? And what is Cas doing? Did something happen?”

  
“Nah Sam, Cas just wanted to celebrate Christmas… As a human…”

  
“That’s great Dean, why aren’t you with him?”

  
“Because I don’t deserve it, obviously!”

  
“What? Why? Did you just leave Cas alone on Christmas Eve because you thought you didn’t deserve to be happy with him?”

  
“Basically? Yes!”

  
“Dean, that’s completely stupid!”

  
“No, that’s finally a good decision from me. They’re rare, these days!”

  
“Don’t you want to take the opportunity of Christmas to fix your relationship? Dean, come on!”

  
“You don’t understand, Sam. I broke him. I broke Cas. He got scared of me when I caught him cooking earlier! How the hell did we get here? How did I screw up so badly? What is wrong with me?”

  
“Dean, there’s nothing you can’t fix. I bet that Cas can forgive you. Dean, Christmas is the perfect day for you to try to make things better. It’s about hope and forgiveness, and love.”

  
“You sound like the Christmas movies Cas has been watching today. Probably where he got the idea of baking cookies in the first place by the way.”

  
“Dean, if Cas wants a big cliché Christmas, then give it to him! That’s something you would have done, before! Remember how much you liked teaching him human stuff!”

  
“That’s not that I don’t want to prepare him a nice little Christmas Sammy, that’s that I can’t. Man, I’d love to just share a perfect Christmas with him, making hot chocolate, Christmas cookies, building gingerbread houses, decorating a Christmas tree, wearing matching Christmas sweaters… But I can’t!”

  
“Why?”

  
“Because… Because that’s something I’d like to do. I’d like to do this too much, Sam. And I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be so happy after what I did to him”.

  
“Dean, that’s not about you! It’s about Cas! The most important is that he’s happy! And if you can be happy at the same time, it’s even better! You need to talk to him, Dean, the two of you are just miserable separately when you could be so happy together!”

  
“It’s 11 pm on Christmas Eve, and I’m drunk, one hour away from the bunker. It’s too late, Sam…”

  
“Dean. Do you want to fix things?”

  
“I… Yes, I think I’d like to, if only I could…”

  
“You can. Just listen to me carefully…”.

  
Dean followed all of Sam’s instructions. He drank some water and slept a few hours in his car to sober up. Then, when he woke up around 5, feeling better, he looked at the list of stores opened 24 hours a day, opened on Christmas in the area. By chance, there was one on his way between the bar and the bunker, 40 minutes away from where he was. Of course, the convenience store he found didn’t have all the things he wanted, but it was still better than nothing. Seeing the ugly Christmas sweater the cashier was wearing, Dean got a pinch in his heart. He remembered how Cas had looked at the sweaters at Walmart, and regretted not buying him one. It was too late, now. He actually couldn’t find any gifts in the small shop. And he really needed to wrap something. He texted Sam at 6. His brother just woke up.

  
Dean to Sam: “I don’t know what gift-giving to Cas! Can’t find anything meaningful at the convenience store!”

  
Sam to Dean: “It is indeed a little bit too late to find something meaningful… So just give him anything, a tee-shirt, a cooking book, a chocolate box, anything you can find… The important thing is that he gets something! He’ll be happy whatever you’ll give him!”

  
Dean wasn’t that convinced. He really wanted to give something special to Cas and was afraid that the angel would be disappointed if the hunter prepared a nice Christmas package only to give him something’s lame. He finally found something’s quite adequate and smiled. 6:30. He had to hurry.  
On his way, he stopped in the forest that was next to the bunker; of course, he couldn’t find a proper Christmas tree, but still manage to find some pine branches. Better than nothing.

  
7 am. He parked Baby in front of the bunker. Opened the trunk to grab what he bought and gasped when he saw a bag that he didn’t put there himself. It was a bag with two matching Christmas sweaters from Walmart. Dean realized that Cas must have bought them the day before and forget them in Baby. He smiled: this was perfect!

  
He wrapped the gifts he bought, and placed them under the branches of pines he arranged. He added the tinsels and the ornaments he got in the convenience store. It didn’t look good, but it was better than nothing. Then he quickly went to the kitchen and noticed the ingredients for making the cookies were still there: Cas didn’t bake without him when he left. Dean cooked some pancakes and hot chocolate, put on one of the Christmas sweaters, let his phone in the main room playing some Christmas songs. It was SO cliché. He finally grabbed the other sweater and a cup of hot chocolate, and knocked at Cas’s door. He was so busy preparing everything that he didn’t even think about what he was going to say, and got caught off guard when Cas opened the door, facing him.

  
“Dean? What are you…? Are you wearing…?”

  
“Cas, I’m sorry”, started Dean, realizing it was the first time he was telling his friend that he was sorry. “I know I will never apologize enough for what I said to you, for what I’ve done to you. You don’t have to forgive me if you can’t, I’d understand. It’s entirely my fault and I don’t deserve you. That’s why I ran yesterday, but instead it only made things worse. I’m sorry Cas, you deserve better, so much better. I know you wanted a Christmas, so… I tried my best to give you one. It won’t be perfect, because everything was closed at 5 am this morning, so I did as I could and… Just come, please…”

  
For one moment, Cas just stood there, staring at him, and Dean was suddenly afraid that he’d slam the door in his face and not come. But looking more carefully at Cas’s eyes, he noticed that his friend wasn’t angry. The glow in his eyes was in fact one of surprise and disbelief. And suddenly, Cas just grabbed him and squeezed him tight. The cup of hot chocolate fell on the ground but Dean couldn’t care less. He hugged him back. The hug lasted a long time, Cas didn’t let him go, still squeezing tight, his forehead on Dean’s shoulder. Dean finally let go patted him on the back.

  
“Hey there buddy, come to the main room with me!”

  
Cas finally stepped aside reluctantly and stared at him, not believing what he just heard:

  
“You…. You called me buddy…”

  
“I did…”

“You didn’t call me like that since…", the angel started to say, in a questioning tone. 

“For too long”, answered Dean.

The hunter raised the sweater he was still holding.

“Raise your arms, Cas”.

  
And Dean helped him to put the sweater on. Then, the two men looked into each other’s eyes. For a long time. Like they used to do before. They were really, really close. And then, Dean didn’t know what came over him, but he instinctively took Cas’s hand and led him into the main room. The angel’s eyes widened in surprise as he discovered the decoration.

  
“It’s not much, because it was too late, but…. I guess it’s better than nothing? I’m sorry, it doesn’t look like what you saw on those Christmas movies you were watching…”

  
“Dean, Dean… It’s even better! It’s perfect! It’s better than any Christmas movie, because it is real”.

  
Dean caught a glimpse of hope in Cas’s eye. He still had his hand in his. So he held his gaze and whispered very softly :

  
“Just like us”

  
Cas’s smiled. Not only with his mouth, but also with this eyes, and with his entire face. He was beaming with joy. He squeezed Dean’s hand. In the background, a cheesy love Christmas song was playing. And the moment was perfect, and couldn’t be more perfect. Dean felt so much joy that he thought his heart wouldn’t take it anymore and would explode. And moreover, he felt relief. The guilt was suddenly gone for the moment, and he finally felt at peace. Holding Cas’s hand, looking at him, feeling his warmth, his presence, it was just feeling right.

  
“Cas, I… You…” he began to stammer.

  
Cas got closer, carefully listening. Maybe too close. Because now, Dean couldn’t focus on anything else than Cas’s face, so, so close. His piercing yet calming eyes. His nose. His lips. By the time he laid his eyes on his lips, he was lost. He leaned over. So did Cas. They were only a few inches apart. Dean could feel Cas’s breath. He could feel his thumb caressing the back of his hand. He closed his eyes. His lips met Cas’s. And the earth stopped turning. He had fireworks in his head and chills all over his body. It was magical, it was special. Dean had kissed a lot of people before. But it never felt this way. It never felt this right.  
When their lips finally parted, they let their foreheads touch, and Dean carefully opened his eyes. Cas was staring at him, and Dean felt like the angel could read through his soul.

  
“Wow… Cas…”

  
The latter just smiled. Then, Dean took a few steps backs, still looking at Cas. The angel tilted his head.

  
“Dean… Does it always feel this way?”

  
And it felt so familiar – the head tilt, the tone of the question, the frown – that Dean couldn’t help it but smile.

  
“No Cas. This, what we have…. This is special. And I don’t ever want to mess up with that again! I’m so sorry, Cas!”

  
“Dean, it’s alright. I forgive you”

  
“Listen, Cas… Obviously, we’ll have to talk about all of this later… But for today… I just wanna spend this special day with you… Spend this special day with a special person… Enjoy it… You can just open your gifts, and then, we could finally bake those Christmas cookies… And then, spend the afternoon watching Christmas movies while drinking eggnog and eating cookies. What do you think about that?”

  
Cas grinned.

  
“That sounds wonderful, Dean!”

  
“I’m sorry for the gifts, I couldn’t find anything better at the convenience store I stopped… We’ll just say that next year, they’ll be better!”

  
Turned out that, in fact, Cas was delighted with his presents: cooking tools, a cooking book, two pairs of funny socks with Christmas patterns on them, candy canes and gingerbread men, and an apron, so that Cas doesn’t get dirty anymore when he cooks. Everything was fine, until suddenly Cas froze, looking panicked.

  
“Cas, what is it?” asked Dean, worried.

  
“I just realized… I don’t have any gift ready for you, Dean!”

  
“Oh, Cas”, Dean smiled, castigating himself for his mawkishness, and simply replied, echoing the song they were listening to: “All I want for Christmas is you”!


End file.
